JBN Philo Bates News Hound

Redskins 40 USA 10

Jusakillammee, FL

Indigenous Native Americans are assembling a legal team and are closely following the reparations case which would compensate Afro-American descendants of slaves who never got their 40 acres and a mule. “If that case is won then we should be able to sue to regain our homelands that were stolen from us,” said tribal bigwig Hiawatha Bailey. “We will take about 40 states worth of land and the non-natives can redraw their America.” “It may be a big gamble, but it’s one we should take without reservation.”

Famed Comic Passes Away

Fer de Lance, NM

Semi well known and sometimes controversial Soapy Seals…well not so much controversial as he was confrontational…..actually he was quite an asshole but I digress..passed away broke, drunk, and lonely. Cause of death was listed as severe dilation of the anus. A former burlesque comedian, he may best be remembered for his flawed attempt at a daytime children’s hour entitled “Wash Your Mouth Out With Soapy!” The show got off to a lukewarm start but as people began to catch it went down the drain from there. By the end of its 13 show run the show was featuring over the hill strippers, drug addict puppets, and at least one Jack Ruby impersonator. The “Dirty word of the Day” segment finally caused the show’s sole sponsor “Belvedere Suicide-Homicide Hazardous Waste Clean Up” to pull the plug. Soapy disappeared from show biz but would occasionally make a cameo on the Chevy Chase talk show and was set to make a dramatic comeback on ABC’s “Bob Patterson” fourth show. When the show only lasted three weeks Soapy never recovered and was Baker Act’dinto various treatment centers in his native Southwest. His famous catch phrase “Hey kids! Oy vey is Mir!” was usually met with the derisive “F*ck you, clown!” He won’t be missed.

Mayor Aims to Improve

Flint, MI

Flint mayor Kuwazi Mufoe is fed up with random violence that injures or even kills innocent bystanders. “These crackhead, gangbangin’ fools need to do something better than spraying bullets at an 11 year old girls birthday party. That is why the city will be building a Drive by Shooting Range” said Mufoe.

“If you’re gonna kill, do it right and get some skills” will be the gun range’s theme. The range will open as soon as the city reaches a concession stand contract can be worked out with Tanta Habish’s New World Order In or Take Out featuring their fine Bavarian style soul food.

Bold Predictions for 2003

by World Unknown Psychic Juman G.

1. People will lose their jobs and become unemployed.

2. There will be fighting in the Middle East.

3. Drastic seasonal weather changes will occur around the globe.

4. Some people will claim to see a UFO or alien beings.

5. Anna Nicole Smith will not lose weight.

6. The price of gas will rise.

7. Prominent politicians will lie and make false promises to the American people.

8. There will be scandals involving church priests.

9. Michael Jackson’s nose will fall off during a court appearance.

10. The rich will get richer, the poor will get poorer, and the rest will buy more guns.

For a personalized psychic reading for yourself please mail in your complete life story in 100 word or less along with your nude photo and $500.00 cash. Please allow Juman G. time to come up with something.

Top R&B song of the week

Sean “P. Diddy” Combs “I had J. Lo on my hang low”

Cable Industry Pondering Gay Cable Channel

The News Hound has sniffed out some of the show titles in the works. Here are the possible show titles:

MON. Head Master Thong of the South and Backdoor to Hollywood

TUES. Bend, Son La Cage Au Go Go and Scar Search.

WED. Queer Factor A Blow For Justice and America’s Funniest X-rays

THURS. Inherit My Wind Pre-op Transsexual Varity Hour

FRI. I Love Luby Glory Hole and Malcolm in the Middle

SAT. FireStein Theatre

SUN. The Felchstones Wild World Of Disney and Coming of Age

The network will be ready to plug in “Will and Grace” reruns should any show fail to make its time slot.